Industry related jokes, add yours, I need some new ones...

[Rainier Davenport]

Q. How can you tell when a Producer is lying?
A. Their lips are moving.

Q. What is the difference between a D.O.P and God?
A. God does not think he is a D.O.P.

Q. What is the difference between a Gaffer and a Grip?
A. A Gaffer removes the dishes from the sink before he pisses in it.

Q. Why do Soundies never help move anything on set?
A. They can't count beyond 1, 2 - 1, 2 check 1, 2. ha ha ha (everyone lifts on 3) yeah funny huh!

[Daniel McMahon]

Why is thunder always after lightning....because your always waiting on sound! (A total crock of shit btw)

[Nathan Codner]

I'm a grip, I'm a grip, I'm a G. R. I... ... ... I'm a grip (This one should be sung.)

[Jason Dirckze]

There are all the "how many ________ does it take to change a light bulb" ones but I presume you know those already?

[Bill White]

Q. How many Trotskyist sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED!"?"

Q. What's black and crispy and hangs smouldering from the ceiling?
A. A sound recordist, trying to change a light bulb.

Q. How tall is a soundie when standing perfectly erect?
A. Nobody knows. It’s never happened.

Q. Why do soundies like working on weekends?
A. The newspapers are thicker.

Q. Why do soundies wear white camouflage?
A. So they can’t be spotted in the catering tent.

Q. How many soundies does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six. One to change it, and five to stand around saying "I was offered that job."


A bloke walks into a shop.
"Do you stock those Ikegami DVCAM cameras, a Manfrotto tripod and some lights?"
"You're a cameraman, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

[Rainier Davenport]

Q: Why can't a DP smoke a cigarette?
A: Because it takes him three hours to light it.


Q. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Ohhh... We're not changing anything...


An actress charges into a library, "I'd like a large, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free caramel, iced latte!" The librarian looks at her and says, "This is a library." The actress says, "Oh, I'm sorry... <(use a whisper)> I'd like a large, half-caf, non-fat, sugar-free caramel, iced latte."


Q. What's the difference between a grip and a pig?
A. A pig won't stay up all night trying to F--- a grip


Q: What do you call a grip in a suit?
A: A defendant.


An out of work grip calls his director friend begging for a job. The director asks if the guy is willing to do some painting for him. The grip agrees. He shows up at the directors house and is told to use the white paint in the garage to paint the porch in the back. Twenty minutes later he comes in and announces he's finished. "You can't paint a porch in twenty minutes", the amazed director says. The grip replies, "first of all, boss, it wasn't a porch it was a Mercedes..."


"How many producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Producers don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs."


Q: How many Line Producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 5, but you can only have 2...


An ENG crew finds a Genie, who offers them each a wish. When the Genie asks the Camera Guy what he wants, he says... I want to be sitting in the back seat of a limo with a big fat cigar and 3 hot chicks crawling all over me. Poof, he disappears. When the Genie asks the Sound Guy what he wants, he says... I want to be sitting on the porch of my villa in Southern France reading poetry and sipping a cool Chardonnay. Poof, he disappears, too. Then the Genie asks the UPM what he wishes for and he says... I want those two assholes back here RIGHT NOW!


Q: What's the difference between a PA and a Grip?
A: A PA can spell Grip.


Q: How can you tell when the dolly is level?
A: Drool comes out of both sides of the DPs mouth.


Q: How can you tell when the teamster on set has died?
A: He Drops his doughnut.

Q: How can you identify the Line Producer on set?
A: He picks up the doughnut, brushes it off, and puts it back on the craft services table.

[Peter Grace]

Q. What do the children of sound recordists do for fun?
A. They watch other children play.

[Rainier Davenport]

Q: What do you call a grip without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless


Did you hear about the grip that was so stupid the other grips noticed?



Two film producers are sitting on a park bench, talking, when a gorgeous blonde walks by.
"God, I'd love to f**k her" says the first.
"Out of what?" replies the other.


A couple of teamsters are making their way to the craft services table when one of them turns around and crushes a snail that was behind him. "What'd you do that for?" asks the other teamster. His buddy, annoyed, replies, "That thing has been following me all day!"


An amusing true story. I heard it myself many years ago on the Johnny Carson show. Johnny's guest was, the then quite old, Alfred Hitchcock. Carson asked the director about an industry story that had been circulating for years. Was it true that Hitchcock had once said that all actors are cattle? After much fluster and indignation, Hitchcock replied that he had far to much respect for actors to have ever said that. At this point in his life he would like to set the record straight. After a moment's silence, and with a perfectly straight face, he affirmed that he had never said that all actors are cattle, what he had actually said was that all actors should be treated as cattle. Carson nearly fell off his chair.